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Just Ask Alice

Editor's Note: Alice is vacationing this week and in her absence we offer one of her previously published columns.



DEAR ALICE: I recently moved to this area from the south and was wondering if you can tell me when Spring usually arrives.

—NEW ALBANY NEWCOMER

DEAR NEW: We're expecting some warmer weather any day now but don't let that fool you. Real Spring arrives in the Endless Mountains in late May and lasts for about a week. Then it's summer.

—ALICE

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DEAR ALICE: Is it true that the company which makes Viagra is soon going to make it available in a nasal spray?

— CURIOUS IN CANTON

DEAR CUR: I sure hope not. My husband's nose is already long enough.

— ALICE

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DEAR ALICE: You frequently offer tips to people regarding how they can tell when they're getting old. How about another one?

— AGING IN ATHENS

DEAR AG: How about when you and your teeth no longer sleep together?

— ALICE

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DEAR ALICE: My mom says men are like placemats but she won't explain why. Can you tell me?

— WAITING IN WILMOT

DEAR WA: It's because they only show up when there's food on the table.

— ALICE

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DEAR ALICE: My boyfriend and I have been engaged for five years with no plans for a wedding yet. My dad says this is because there's no reason for my boyfriend to buy the cow when he can get the milk for free. This is confusing to me. We live in town, not on a farm. Can you help me figure this out?

— BAFFLED IN ULSTER

DEAR BAF: You probably should talk to your boyfriend about this one. Tell him your dad's been talking to you about the law of supply and demand and how it applies to personal relationships, weddings and the price of milk. He'll understand.

— ALICE

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DEAR ALICE: A business associate of mine recently emailed me with the news that John Deere and Abitibi-Price are going to merge soon. Is this true?

— WONDERING IN WYSOX

DEAR WOND: Sure it's true. The new company will be known as Deere Abbi.

— ALICE

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