OldArchive / Just Ask Alice
Just Ask Alice
—NO CELL, NEW ALBANY
DEAR NO: You probably wouldn't want to do this but my niece Stephanie says that ever since she had that metal ring stuck through her eyebrow and a gold pin in her nose she can talk on her cell phone in places where others have no service at all.
DEAR ALICE: What's the difference between insolvency and bankruptcy?
— FORKSTON FINANCIER
DEAR FORK: Insolvency is when you run out of money; bankruptcy is when you run out of town.
DEAR ALICE: If you could do it all over again, would you have children?
— MILDRED MOTHER
DEAR MIL: Yes, but probably not the same ones.
DEAR ALICE: My boyfriend of eight years finally proposed to me Saturday night, but he made his proposal conditional: he says we can get married providing I can adjust my lifestyle to live on his income. I'm not really sure if I can do this, Alice. Any suggestions?
— TIMID IN TOWANDA
DEAR TIM: Sure. Tell your boyfriend you can survive very nicely on his income. Then ask him what he plans to live on.
DEAR ALICE: You may have been asked this question before, but can you tell me why it takes our federal government so long to accomplish anything? How long have we been waiting for some real meaningful legislation to deal with the economic woes of the nation?
— WAITING IN WYSOX
DEAR WAITING: It takes government so long to make things happen because congressmen are faced with countless decisions each and every day, and some things just get put off — like taking money to the bank to cover the checks they've written.
DEAR ALICE: I recently read about a guy who claims to have information pointing to the possibility that Julius Caesar was really a woman. Can this really be true?
— ROMAN IN ROME
DEAR ROMA: Sure it could really be true. Haven't you ever heard Caesar's famous quote I came, I saw, I did a little shopping?
CONFIDENTIAL TO CRUISING IN CANTON: Cruise control regulates only the speed of your car, dear. You still have to do the steering manually.