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Just Ask Alice

 

DEAR ALICE: If we get a new bridge across the Susquehanna in Towanda to help ease traffic congestion, will your paper sponsor a contest to name it?

—SLO-GO, SOUTH TOWANDA

DEAR SLO: The contest idea is a good one, but I think we should just name the bridge after the first gas company that steps up to pay for it.

—ALICE

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DEAR ALICE: I recently moved out here with my husband and it’s the first time either of us has lived in the country. Any advice for a newbie?

— AT HOME IN HERRICK

DEAR AT: One of the first things I always tell newcomers is they need to know that an angry bee is considerably faster than a riding lawn mower.

—ALICE

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DEAR ALICE: I recently heard about a business in Florida that posted the following sign in their window. What sort of person would do something like this: “We Would Rather Do Business With 1000 Al Qaeda Terrorists Than One American Soldier. I know all about freedom of speech, Alice, but this is taking it too far.

—FURIOUS IN FORKSVILLE

DEAR FUR:  The sign was posted in the front window of a funeral home. Now, who says undertakers don’t have a sense of humor?

—ALICE

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DEAR ALICE: What’s your secret for a happy marriage? You have apparently been married a few years.

—MARRIED IN MONROETON

DEAR MAR: I say one of the keys to a happy marriage is getting a good night’s sleep so we spend the night in separate beds. His is in Laceyville, mine is in Tunkhannock.

—ALICE

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DEAR ALICE:  I have a hard time getting along with my mother-in-law but I love my husband. I’m worried that she is going to cause problems in our marriage. Any advice?

—MOTHERED TO DEATH, MONTROSE

DEAR MOTH: I’m the wrong person to ask. I haven’t spoken to my mother-in-law in months. I don’t like to interrupt her.

—ALICE

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CONFIDENTIAL TO PEEVED IN POTTERVILLE: Forgive your enemies. It will drive them nuts.


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