Just Ask Alice
EDITOR’S NOTE: Alice’s computer got zapped in Tuesday night’s storm and she was unable to email us her column this week, at least that’s what she’s telling us, but her neighbor says she was out to the wee hours of the morning partying with friends, who just got their first gas well royalty check. At any rate, here’s one of Alice’s previously published columns from April 1996.
DEAR ALICE: There’s this woman in the store where I work that I would just love to ask out on a date. My problem is that I don’t know if I could handle it if she says no.
— TIMID IN TERRYTOWN
DEAR TIMID: Thanks for sending along the photo of the woman in your office, and you’ll probably be surprised to learn that I’ve known her family for years. Don’t worry about what you’ll do if she says no. Concern yourself more with what you’ll do if she says yes. She’s your boss’s wife, you idiot.
DEAR ALICE: I’m a 15-year-old girl, and I’m trying to convince my parents that it’s okay for me to get a small tattoo. I’m not planning to get something weird, like the devil or a snake, or anything like that. Rather, I’m thinking about a nice, tastefully rendered likeness of Pat Buchanan in the center of my back, right between my shoulder blades. What do you think, Alice. Should I go for it?
— TATTOOED LADY,
DEAR TATT: Listen to your parents. I can’t tell you how many letters I’ve received from people who got tattoos as teenagers and want them removed later in life. It's expensive and it's painful. If you must go ahead with your plans, have the tattoo you described applied somewhere out of sight. I can think of a perfect location.
DEAR ALICE: What impact do you think the proposed closing of military bases will have on the people of this area?
— GENERALLY DYNAMIC, GHENT
DEAR GEN: I doubt if most people will even know they’re gone. Hardly anyone knows about the bomber base in Herrickville, and even fewer are aware of the Coast Guard station at Hornbrook.
DEAR ALICE: I’m engaged to be married this coming August to a man I love deeply. Both of us have been previously married, and we both went through painful divorces. We’ve decided to put the past behind us Alice, except for one thing. Not long after Bob and his first wife were married he painted a portrait of her in the nude on their bedroom wall. He says it took him weeks to create, and he's not about to destroy it for anyone, including me. I can’t stand having her there staring at me every time I’m in the bedroom. Sometimes I think her eyes follow me when I move around the room, but Bob says I’m just imagining things. What should I do, Alice? I really want to marry Bob, but I can’t stand the thought of sharing our bedroom with his former wife.
— UP AGAINST THE WALL,
DEAR UP: Occasionally some men tend to be insensitive to problems and hardships they create for others, and Bob appears to be one of these men. The first thing you need to do is to get his attention. To best accomplish this, my suggestion would be a good swift kick to the gonads.
CONFIDENTIAL TO SLOW LEARNER IN SILVARA: When a person with experience meets a person with money, the person with experience will get the money. And the person with the money will get some experience.