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Just Ask Alice

 

DEAR ALICE: The rainy, damp, foggy, cool weather here is getting me down. Can you suggest a place I might go for a while where the weather isn’t so depressing?

—DAMPENED IN DUSHORE

DEAR DA: I can’t believe I’m saying this but even Seattle would be an improvement over our weather.

—ALICE

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DEAR ALICE: Any idea who it was that actually pulled the trigger that killed Osama bin Laden?

—WONDERING IN WYALUSING

DEAR WON: My sources in Washington tell me that it was Dick Cheney and it was an accidental shooting.

—ALICE

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DEAR ALICE: Any idea what Osama bin Laden’s biggest surprise was when Navy Seals raided his compound?

—CURIOUS IN CAMPTOWN

DEAR CUR: Probably his biggest surprise was when he discovered that he’d be spending eternity with 72 vegans.

—ALICE

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DEAR ALICE: I hear that Hillary Clinton is about to release a book she recently wrote and that it’s a real quick read. Any idea what it’s called?

—RIENZE READER

DEAR RIE: It’s a quick read alright, only 10 pages. It’s called “The Things I Love about Bill.”

—ALICE

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DEAR ALICE: My science teacher sent us home with a list of questions and one of them is to determine how many inches one-half of the large intestine in an adult human being would measure. I have no idea how to answer this and thought perhaps you could help.

—NO CLUE, NEW ALBANY

DEAR NO: Use this for your answer. One-half of the large intestine in an adult human being is equal to one semicolon.

—ALICE

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DEAR ALICE: I was wondering if you could tell me who designed the clothing worn by Kate Middleton and Prince William during the royal wedding:

—BERWICK BLUEBLOOD

DEAR BER: Kate Middleton wore a dress designed by Sarah Burton and Prince William’s outfit was from the Sgt. Pepper collection.

—ALICE

 

 

 


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