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Just Ask Alice

 

DEAR ALICE: I hear there is one of those iPhone apps for people who want to retire. Do you know what it’s called? I can’t seem to find it.

—OVER THE HILL, OVERTON

DEAR OVER: It’s called iQuit.

—ALICE

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DEAR ALICE: Is it true that Congressman Anthony Weiner has agreed to do a TV commercial because he needs some fast cash after his twitter scandal?

—CURIOUS IN CAMPTOWN

DEAR CUR: My Washington sources can’t completely verify this, but rumor has it that Weiner is going to appear in a TV ad wearing only his underwear and sing the Oscar Mayer wiener jingle. There is absolutely no truth to reports, however, that he’s doing a commercial for Microsoft about “junk” email.

—ALICE

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DEAR ALICE: How long would you like to live?

—AGING IN ATHENS

DEAR AG: If I can make it to 100, I’ll have it made because very few people die past that age.

—ALICE

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DEAR ALICE: Is it true that a husband and wife should never go to bed mad if they want their marriage to survive?

—WYSOX WIFE

DEAR WY: That’s right, honey. Stay up with your old man and argue.

—ALICE

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DEAR ALICE: Is there an English word that means the same as Japanese food Sushi?

—WONDERING IN WYALUSING

DEAR WOND: Yes, but it’s actually two words: fish bait.

—ALICE

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DEAR ALICE: Are you and your husband happy?

—LET ME KNOW,

LACEYVILLE

DEAR LE: I can tell you with complete honesty that my husband and I were happy as could be for about 21 years and then one day we met and got married.

—ALICE

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CONFIDENTIAL TO CONFUSED IN CANTON: I don’t care what your cousin is telling you, D-Day was not when Paul Revere rode through the countryside shouting “the Danish are coming.”

—ALICE


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