Just Ask Alice
DEAR ALICE: How can you tell when a boy becomes a man?
— WONDERING IN WILMOT
DEAR WOND: A boy becomes a man when he stops asking his dad to give him some money and asks to borrow some.
DEAR ALICE: Do you believe there is such a thing as plain old good luck?
— CURIOUS IN CAMPTOWN
DEAR CUR: Sure I believe in good luck. It’s the only way I can explain the success of people I can’t stand.
DEAR ALICE: My parents have a friend who thinks he knows everything. I’d like to catch him off guard and tell this know-it-all something he can’t possibly already know. Any suggestions?
— WAITING IN WYSOX
DEAR WAI: Tell him what other people think of him. That’s something he obviously doesn’t know.
DEAR ALICE: My boyfriend Ivan is very much in love with me and tells me how sweet and adorable I am every day. But I’ve been sleeping with Tom on the side for more than a month now. The reason is that I’m trying to decide which guy I really love, and I think giving them a fair test is the answer. My girlfriend says I’m cheapening myself. What do you say?
DEAR DU: I’m glad you’ve narrowed the choice down to two. The last letter you sent, you were checking out five. Let’s see Ivan, Tom, Peter, Jim Clevis and Leroy, wasn’t it? I’d say it’s time to cross Ivan off your list, too. If he really thinks you’re “sweet and adorable” he’s a fool.
DEAR ALICE: About six months ago I began having dreams about Kevin Costner. I’ve seen most of his movies but never considered him much more than an attractive man who happened to be a good actor. I buy every magazine that has his picture in it and rent videos so I can watch his movies over and over again. Meanwhile, the dreams are continuing and I often awake at night to see my loving husband sleeping there next to me. I feel guilty, Alice, but in reality I’ve actually done nothing wrong. Is this something that will pass or do I need professional help?
—OBSESSED IN OVERTON
DEAR OB: It will pass, dear. I once had the same fixation over Richard Nixon. I even went to the extreme of going to a costume shop, buying a Nixon mask and making my husband wear it to bed. It all ended when he started asking me to pretend I was Phyllis Diller.
DEAR ALICE: I’ve been dating Bob for about a year now and thought I knew pretty much everything about him. But the other night I discovered something that totally shocked me. Bob was asleep and as I ran my hands through his hair I pulled off his toupee. As you can imagine, Alice, I was quite shocked. I never knew he wore a hairpiece. So now what should I do? Bob’s obviously been keeping this a secret.
DEAR HAIR: You didn’t mention this, so I’m assuming that you carefully replaced Bob’s hairpiece after you pulled it off. Bob apparently has his reasons for keeping this facet of his life a secret from you, and perhaps it’s embarrassment. Why don’t you take the first step? The next time he falls asleep, slip a note under his wig explaining that you’re aware of his little secret and think it’s just fine.