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Just Ask Alice

 

Editors Note: Alice is vacationing this week. In her absence, we’re reviving one of her previously published columns.

 

DEAR ALICE: I saw on the news this week that researchers discovered recently that men have something like four million more brain cells than women. Is this true?

— BRAINS IN BURLINGTON

DEAR BRA: Great! But why don’t they ever use them?

— ALICE

**********

DEAR ALICE: I keep reading more and more reports about people being confronted by black bears. What should a woman do if she has a close encounter with one of these critters?

— WORRIED WOMAN,

WYALUSING

DEAR WOR: Hey, ask your husband. It’s the men who have all the brains.

—ALICE

**********

DEAR ALICE: What’s the best way to ensure that my wife and I won’t miss out on all of the new tax deductions that are supposed to be coming to the middle class?

— OVERTAXED IN OVERTON

DEAR OV: Probably the best bet is to fill your house up with young ’uns.

—ALICE

**********

DEAR ALICE: I’m reading about the formation of labor unions in America, and I keep coming across the term “featherbedding.” What does this mean?

— LABORING

IN LACEYVILLE

 

DEAR LAB: Featherbedding is based on the principle that, if it takes one man one hour to do a job, it will take two men two hours to do it.

— ALICE

**********

DEAR ALICE: Do you have a photographic memory? You seem to know something about everything.

—CURIOUS IN CAMPTOWN

DEAR CUR: Yes, it’s true I do have a photographic memory. Unfortunately, it doesn’t provide same-day service.

—ALICE

**********

DEAR ALICE: Why was it set up so each state has two senators?

—WONDERING IN WYSOX

DEAR WOND: I heard someone say once it’s that way so one of them can serve as the designated driver.

—ALICE

**********

CONFIDENTIAL TO SOUR STOMACH: Food isn’t the only thing that causes indigestion. You can also get it from eating crow and swallowing your pride.

—ALICE

 


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