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Just Ask Alice

 

DEAR ALICE: A friend of mine who knows a lot about computers told me to look out if I get an email with the subject “Bad Times.” He said it contains a virus that will cause all sorts of problems, but he didn’t say what the problems are. Do you know anything about this?

 — ONLINE IN OVERTON

DEAR ON: Bad Times is described as the first virus that can wreak havoc outside your computer. It hit a friend of mine and she said it mixed antifreeze into her fish tank, drank all her beer and left its dirty socks on the coffee table when there was company coming over.

— ALICE

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DEAR ALICE: I’m really getting concerned about crime in this country, especially from those who’ve already committed crimes. What can we do to stop the wave of repeat offenders that are plaguing this nation?

         CONCERNED

         IN CAMPTOWN

DEAR CONCERNED: We can stop re-electing them.

— ALICE

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DEAR ALICE: If it’s true that we are what we eat, then what are you?

— CURIOUS IN CANTON

DEAR CUR: I’m fast, cheap and easy.

—ALICE

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DEAR ALICE: Why do you think it is most men are so reluctant to help with housecleaning chores?

— HERRICK HOUSEWIFE

DEAR HER: That’s a good question and I wish I knew the answer. I tell you that when my husband, Tyson, carries out the trash, he acts like he just cleaned the entire house.

—ALICE

**********

DEAR ALICE: I can never seem to meet any broads that want to spend time with me. I’m not bad looking, have a good job and am easy to get along with. Can you give me a pointer that might help me connect with a nice one?

— LONELY IN LACEYVILLE

DEAR LONE: Don’t be a sexist. Broads hate that.

— ALICE

**********

DEAR ALICE: I’m in line for a nice promotion and pay raise at work, but I have some personal information that I need to tell my boss that will make him furious. If I don’t tell him, he’ll find out sooner or later and when he does, he’ll be sure to figure out that I knew this information and held it back. What should I do?

— CONFUSED IN CAMPTOWN

DEAR CON: The best thing to do from your point of view would be to wait until after your promotion to pass along this information to your boss. There’s an old saying in Florida that sums up your situation perfectly: “Don’t make the alligator mad until after you cross the river.”

— ALICE

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DEAR ALICE: I’ll be headed off to college in a few weeks, and I’m wondering if you can offer a tip that will help make this experience a meaningful and lasting success.

— COLLEGE BOUND, CANTON

DEAR COL: Don’t let school interfere with your education.

— ALICE

 


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