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Just Ask Alice

 

DEAR ALICE: Was there much flood damage in your neck of the woods?

—WONDERING IN WYSOX

DEAR WOND: The only damage I know of is that my neighbor Omar Dwight lost five travel trailers. Of course, as soon as Omar heard there was a flood on the way, he moved the trailers from his home to a field within a few feet of Cunningham’s Lick, which almost always floods. It’s a get-rich-quick scheme Omar learned back during the flood of ’72.

—ALICE

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DEAR ALICE: Is it true that over the last 30 years the average size of American homes has increased by 600 square feet?

—CURIOUS IN CANTON

DEAR CURIOUS: Yes, it’s true and it is because over the last 30 years the size of an average American has increased by 600 square feet.

—ALICE

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DEAR ALICE: Was that you I saw in the dentist’s chair the other day? It sure sounded like you.

—WAITING IN WILMOT

DEAR WAIT: Nope, I’m afraid you’re mistaken. I have no reason to go to the dentist since I started keeping my teeth in a glass of water. I used to keep the glass on my nightstand until one night my husband took a drink and got bitten on the lip.

—ALICE

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DEAR ALICE: I think it’s terrible that a man who ordered over 200 people to their execution since he has been governor of Texas is actually trying to be our next president.

—DUSHORE DEM

DEAR DU: It’s not that bad. I can think of a few presidents who, rather than executing those criminals, would have given them cabinet posts.

—ALICE

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DEAR ALICE: What do people mean when they say money talks? I mean, if money talks, what does it say?

— WONDERING

IN WYALUSING

DEAR WOND: When my money talks, the most frequent thing it says is “good bye.”

—ALICE

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DEAR ALICE: What’s the thing you like best about summer?

— CURIOUS IN CAMPTOWN

DEAR CUR: Summer is that glorious explosion of color and life when the grass grows up along the roadside and hides all the beer cans and fast food containers.

—ALICE

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DEAR ALICE: I’ve been hearing my dad talking lately about finding another stockbroker. Do you have any guidelines that might help him find a good one?

—TOWANDA TEEN

DEAR TOW: A good stockbroker is someone who’s smart enough to advise you which stocks to buy, but too smart to buy them himself.

— ALICE

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DEAR ALICE: My husband and I just inherited a very large sum of money, and he’s talking about buying some sort of status symbol that will let people know that we are now quite wealthy. What do you think of his plans?

—NOUVEAU RICHE,

NEW ALBANY

DEAR NOU: I say your husband’s idea stinks. If he really wants to impress people with all of his money, he should try giving some of it to people who could really use it. I find it interesting that some people have so many status symbols that they are absolutely in awe of themselves.

—ALICE

 

 

 


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