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Just Ask Alice

 

DEAR ALICE: I saw on the news recently that a man was found to be married to two women, which is against the law. What they didn’t say is what the punishment is. Do you know?

—MONOGAMOUS IN
MONROETON

DEAR MON: The punishment is he has two mothers-in-law.

—ALICE

**********

DEAR ALICE: I just turned 65 and feel 20 years younger. What signs should I watch for that tell me I’m getting “old”?

—FEELIN’ FINE,

FORKSVILLE

DEAR FEEL: Start worrying the next time you’re doing the hokey pokey and when you “put your left hip out…” it stays there.

—ALICE

**********

DEAR ALICE: Do you think computers and so-called artificial intelligence will take over the world someday?

—PONDERING IN

POTTERVILLE

DEAR POND: Not really. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

—ALICE

**********

DEAR ALICE: What’s one of the most surprising things you’ve found about motherhood?

—NEW MOTHER,

NEW ALBANY

DEAR NE: It has to be that just when you start thinking your work is done as a mother, you become a grandmother.

—ALICE

**********

DEAR ALICE: I heard my dad say that our neighbor was a malingerer but he wouldn’t tell me what it means. Instead, he told me to look it up in the dictionary. Now I can spell it, but I still really don’t know what the word means. Can you help me?

—CONFUSED IN CAMPTOWN

DEAR CON: Think of it this way: When there is a piano to be moved, a malingerer is the person who always grabs the stool.

—ALICE

**********

DEAR ALICE: I have to write a school report about the trials and tribulations the American pioneers faced as they trudged day after day into the setting sun. Can you help me?

—SILVARA STUDENT

DEAR SIL: Hey, the worst part was they didn’t have sunglasses back then.

—ALICE

**********

CONFIDENTIAL TO TROUBLED IN TOWANDA: The best way to solve your problem is with an open mind, not an open mouth.

—ALICE

 

 


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