Just Ask Alice
DEAR ALICE: I’m a newcomer to this area and am scared to death to drive in the winter. You’ve obviously lived here all of your life, so tell me what’s the secret to driving here in the winter?
—SCARED IN SILVARA
DEAR SCARED: You’re right, I’ve actually come to enjoy driving on snow-covered roads and it’s all simply a state of mind. Just look at it this way, in the winter at least the pot holes are filled with snow.
DEAR ALICE: Can you tell me what men like most about Thanksgiving? I asked my husband and he couldn’t come up with an answer, other than “the food.”
—WAITING IN WILMOT
DEAR WA: One of the things men like about Thanksgiving is that they can make comments about big breasts without getting their face slapped.
DEAR ALICE: Do you know which President of the United States made Thanksgiving an official U.S. holiday?
—CURIOUS IN CAMPTOWN
DEAR CUR: It was Bill Clinton, just after all that business with Monica Lewinsky blew over and he sat down one day and gave thanks that none of his other girlfriends had caused him so much trouble. The idea caught on real fast around Washington.
DEAR ALICE: My wife and I can’t convince our son to come home for Thanksgiving unless we pay his way. He lives in Nevada, Alice, so the trip out and back costs us plenty. Any ideas on how we might convince him to come out this year and pay his own way?
— RETIRED IN RALSTON
DEAR RET: Send him a little note explaining that you just had your lawyer draw up your will and you would like to discuss it with him over Thanksgiving. Bet on it, he’ll be there.
DEAR ALICE: The other day my older brother was trying to convince me that someday astronauts will land on the sun. I told him that he’s crazy because anything that gets close to the sun would burn up, but he insists someday it will happen. Tell him he’s wrong.
DEAR TU: Your brother’s right. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out that the way to put an astronaut on the sun is to land there at night, silly.
DEAR ALICE: I sometimes hear people use the expression Dijon Vu. What does that mean?
—WONDERING IN WILMOT
DEAR WO: It means you’ve had this mustard before but can’t remember where or when.
DEAR ALICE: If “love is grand” what is divorce?
— SINGLE IN SILVARA
DEAR SING: About a hundred grand.
CONFIDENTIAL TO TIME HEALS: Time may be a great healer, but it’s a lousy beautician.