Just Ask Alice
DEAR ALICE: Have you left your mark on this earth? I mean, have you done something that will be a reminder of your existence long after you’re gone?
—CURIOUS IN CAMPTOWN
DEAR CUR: Well, this probably isn’t exactly the answer you’re looking for, but back in the 1960’s when I was hiking in a remote and seldom-visited part of Grand Teton National Park in Wyoming, I forgetfully left a half-full can of Coke on a rock ledge. I suspect it will be there for thousands of years.
DEAR ALICE: How can I tell if my friends are really my friends? One of my friends told me he never wants to talk to me again and it really hurt my feelings. Even worse, he won’t tell me why. I told him I was sorry if I did something wrong, but I don’t know what it could be. Can you help?
AT ELK LAKE
DEAR EM: You’re in the middle of a case of mistaken identity. Believing this person is your friend is like believing someone is a detective because a cop always brings him home. With friends like this guy, you don’t need enemies. Find yourself a real friend.
DEAR ALICE: My husband’s boss is coming to dinner at our house and I’m nervous about it. My husband says that I should just be myself and everything will work out okay. What do you think?
— NERVOUS IN
DEAR NER: Your husband is probably right, but you still should make an effort to put your best foot forward. Cook a dinner that you feel comfortable preparing and serve it in a relaxed atmosphere that will put both you and your husband’s boss at ease. Hide those salad bowls that say “Cool Whip” on the side and don’t forget to wear your bra and put your teeth in.
DEAR ALICE: My wife and I recently moved to the Endless Mountains from suburban New Jersey, and we noticed that there are hardly any of the nationally-known fast food restaurants around here. When we ask local people where we can find a fast food place, they look at us like we’re from Mars. Can you tell me why that is?
DEAR NEW: It’s likely because here in the mountains fast food means hitting a deer at 65 mph.
DEAR ALICE: Can you tell me some common foods that will help me meet the minimum daily requirements in the four major food groups? I don’t think I’m eating correctly.
— LIGHT EATER,
DEAR LIGHT: Sorry, but I’m not the person to answer this question for you. The only major food groups that I’m familiar with are the bourbon and tobacco groups.
CONFIDENTIAL TO UNINSPIRED: Follow your dream. Unless it’s the one where you’re at work in your underwear during a fire drill.
CONFIDENTIAL TO VOTER’S RIGHTS: If you don’t know your rights, you don’t have any.