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Just Ask Alice

 

DEAR ALICE: How come every time Jerry Sandusky is pictured on TV he’s wearing a Penn State jacket? I’d like to think the university would put a stop to this, considering all the trouble he has caused.

—PEEVED PS ALUM,

POTTERVILLE

DEAR PEEV:  Don’t worry about the university’s tarnished image. I have a feeling that before long Jerry will be wearing a STATE PEN jacket.

—ALICE

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DEAR ALICE: Now that Herman Cain has dropped out of the presidential race, will he still be entitled to security by the Secret Service?

—CURIOUS IN CANTON

DEAR CUR: Normally a candidate would not qualify once he drops out of the race, but in Herman’s case the Secret Service has offered to extend its protection until Herman’s wife cools down.

—ALICE

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DEAR ALICE: I read about how they’re going to build generating plants that produce electricity by burning manure. Do you know where they plan to put these generators?

—FAIRDALE FARMER

DEAR FAIR: I don’t know for sure, but you can expect them to be constructed in areas where there is a good supply of manure. That makes Washington, DC a likely spot.

—ALICE

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DEAR ALICE: Former Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich was recently sentenced to 14 years in prison. When was the last time a governor went to prison?

—WONDERING IN WYALUSING

DEAR WOND: In the State of Illinois, sending the governor to jail is becoming part of the state’s heritage. Former governors Otto Kerner, Jr., Dan Walker and George H. Ryan all received jail sentences. Blago is just an example of history repeating itself. By the way, too bad Rod didn’t hold off on his attempt to sell President Obama’s former Senate Seat. If he had waited until after next fall’s election, the president may have wanted to buy it back.

—ALICE

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DEAR ALICE: I lost track of how many women actually accused Herman Cain of sexual misconduct. Do you know how many there were?

—COUNTING IN CAMPTOWN

DEAR COU: I think the number was 999.

—ALICE

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DEAR ALICE: I found out by accident this week that my husband bought me a new chain saw for Christmas. Last year he surprised me with a new air compressor. Alice, he obviously buys gifts for me that he wants. Any suggestions?

— LEFT OUT,

LACEYVILLE

DEAR LEFT: My motto is to return kindness with kindness.  So surprise your husband with a nice new nightgown, a fur coat or maybe a new sofa for him to sleep on.

—ALICE

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CONFIDENTIAL TO HERRICK WINTER HATER: Don’t complain about the weather. If it didn't change once in a while, nine out of ten people couldn't start a conversation.

—ALICE

 

 


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